InsaneJournal

A Peter/Elle fic I wrote forever ago.
I’m so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave cuz your presence still lingers here and it won’t leave me alone.

He is gone now, and I don’t know if I will ever see him again. I’ve never had much of anything in my life, I’ve always been a freak, different from everyone else. I envy those that have someone right now, because I know I never will. I’m 24 years old and I’ve never been on a date, but I have been kissed. I remember it so vividly. It wasn’t rough and demanding like Adam had been when I was eighteen. No, this was something else. I felt connected.

For the first time in my life I felt connected to another human being. I know I will never be right, and I’ll never be okay, but in the moment he made me feel like we were the only ones in the world, like my father and our mission didn’t matter. His kiss was like fire, and I couldn’t help but spark him a little myself. I guess I will never change, and I will probably never truly leave this place, but I think that one moment can sustain me.

He made me feel things that I never have before, and probably never will again. I know what I’m supposed to do, he was my assignment. I knew what I was getting into. I was in control, I had my whole sadistic lightning thing and I was in control. But I lost it. When he kissed me, I wasn’t in control anymore, and I didn’t seem to mind. I know this sounds sappy, but it doesn’t matter. No one will ever know about this anyway.

He’s gone now and I don’t know if I will ever see him again, so it’s okay to say it, just this once. I’m going to say it though I probably don’t know what it really even means because I’m just a crazy girl, but I’m going to say it anyway. I think I mean it. I love Peter Petrelli. Truly, madly, deeply and all that, but he’ll never know because he’s gone now.

I don’t know how I can do my job when I love him, so I have to let it all go. I have a purpose, it’s not much but it’s all I have. He could never love me. I lied to him, I betrayed him, and I hurt him. Maybe in another life we could be normal, get married, and have kids, but that will never happen here. So I have to let go of the dream and let it die.

He’s gone now and I’ll never see him again, but I was a girl who loved Peter Petrelli, and that love is changing me more than anyone realizes. I can’t focus on anything. Is this what it feels like to be in love? I don’t like it. My control is gone again. I have to stop loving him.

I have to stop loving him, but I can’t.

I love you Peter, you’ll never know this. But I do. I’ll never be able to tell you, so I’m the only one that will know. I have to let you go or I won’t be able to do my job. But I can’t let you go Peter, I’m trying…really, but I love you, and I can’t change that.